- Today I learned two valuable lessons: 1) Petting an animal can lower your heart rate. 2) That animal should not be a wolf
- I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
- Anyone who says an onion is the only vegetable that will make you cry has obviously never been hit in the face with a turnip.
- Dora the explorer is on drugs! She never seems to know where to go next, spends all day talking to a map, a backpack and a monkey
- Whoever thinks paper beats rock has only ever been hit in the face by some paper!
- Jesus says to John, “Come forth and I shall give you eternal life”….John came in fifth…He won a toaster.
- A smile is like tight underwear…it makes your cheeks go up. ?
- Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us, we are schizophrenic?
- My OCD brings all the boys to the yard. And arranges them by age, and then height.
- I think it’s amazing that four of the greatest artists of all time were named after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
- My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few weeks ago and she has just had mittens.
- Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children’s iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
- Dear Warner Bros, now I’m an adult, I feel I’m old enough to hear what the “Beep Beep” is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E Coyote
- People have been writing names on food in the office fridge. Today I had a sandwich called Mandy and a yoghurt called Jill
- When life gives you melons, you know you’re dyslexic.
- Happiness is seeing the one you love… until they see you and close the blinds.
- The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight… I’m just on Twitter while I wait for the kettle to boil.
- Games don’t affect kids, if PacMan affected us,we’d all b runnin around in dark rooms,munchin pills & listnin 2 reptitve music.” 😛
- Sleeping Beauty suffered frm Kleine-Levin syndrome…No fairytale bullshit & when the kiss came along she sd 2herself “y not hav a go at it” – Me (@Miss_Mused)
- I stopped attending church the second Grandma told me my cleavage could no longer accompany me.
- Do you like hot women that scream in bed? Check out the burns unit at the hospital.
- And then God created Saturn… And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
- I decided to burn some calories today, set a fat kid on fire.
- A girl needs more than one sugar daddy in this economy.
- “I Love you.” “I don’t believe you. It doesn’t sound like you mean it.” “I LOVE you.” “That’s better.” “OK, then put the knife down”.
- She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
- The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn’t have that rule when Jesus was born.
3 thoughts on “Funniest tweets of the week”
This is HILARIOUS, LOL!
Hi i just came accross your your blog and can i say it is awesome! I love that you write about anything and everything in there! And this post is Highlarious!!! hahaha
Thankie , just when i was deciding if i should one track the blog 🙂