• Today I learned two valuable lessons: 1) Petting an animal can lower your heart rate. 2) That animal should not be a wolf
  • I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
  • Anyone who says an onion is the only vegetable that will make you cry has obviously never been hit in the face with a turnip.
  • Dora the explorer is on drugs! She never seems to know where to go next, spends all day talking to a map, a backpack and a monkey
  • Whoever thinks paper beats rock has only ever been hit in the face by some paper!
  • Jesus says to John, “Come forth and I shall give you eternal life”….John came in fifth…He won a toaster.
  • A smile is like tight underwear…it makes your cheeks go up. ?
  • Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us, we are schizophrenic?
  • My OCD brings all the boys to the yard. And arranges them by age, and then height.
  • I think it’s amazing that four of the greatest artists of all time were named after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
  • My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few weeks ago and she has just had mittens.
  • Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children’s iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
  • Dear Warner Bros, now I’m an adult, I feel I’m old enough to hear what the “Beep Beep” is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E Coyote
  • People have been writing names on food in the office fridge. Today I had a sandwich called Mandy and a yoghurt called Jill
  • When life gives you melons, you know youโ€™re dyslexic.
  • Happiness is seeing the one you love… until they see you and close the blinds.
  • The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight… I’m just on Twitter while I wait for the kettle to boil.
  • Games don’t affect kids, if PacMan affected us,we’d all b runnin around in dark rooms,munchin pills & listnin 2 reptitve music.” ๐Ÿ˜›
  • Sleeping Beauty suffered frm Kleine-Levin syndrome…No fairytale bullshit & when the kiss came along she sd 2herself “y not hav a go at it” – Me (@Miss_Mused)
  • I stopped attending church the second Grandma told me my cleavage could no longer accompany me.
  • Do you like hot women that scream in bed? Check out the burns unit at the hospital.
  • And then God created Saturn… And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
  • I decided to burn some calories today, set a fat kid on fire.
  • A girl needs more than one sugar daddy in this economy.
  • “I Love you.” “I don’t believe you. It doesn’t sound like you mean it.” “I LOVE you.” “That’s better.” “OK, then put the knife down”.
  • She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
  • The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn’t have that rule when Jesus was born.

3 thoughts on “Funniest tweets of the week

  1. Eman Sayed says:

    This is HILARIOUS, LOL!

  2. Kimaya says:

    Hi i just came accross your your blog and can i say it is awesome! I love that you write about anything and everything in there! And this post is Highlarious!!! hahaha

    1. Thankie , just when i was deciding if i should one track the blog ๐Ÿ™‚

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